As a member of the fourth estate, and a damn important one at that, I get plenty of press releases sent to me via e-mail. Just the other day, for example, Sega decided to break the hot news that it announced the opening of its Full Auto 2: Battlelines Web site. God damn, I thought, this Pulitzer has just won itself!
Anyway. Recently, I received the queen mother of all press notices, and thought to share it with you in case, you know, you decide to start promoting something and want to know how not to do it. You'll note the release has many things wrong with it, the most obvious being it seems to have been written by lower primates, perhaps gibbons or macaques. You may also note that this press release links to pornographic Web sites (which I replaced with links to Zombo.com and Yourethemannowdog.com).
The release, then, is printed here verbatim. Please feel free to follow it to the jump and, possibly, beyond.
CHICAGO, October, 18th, 2006 - edit
A Massive Impact Press Release
FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Announcing Wii60 Player – The Voice of Brutal Truth for this
Enlightened Gaming Generation
Prepare for the 2nd coming of Williams and Martin.
The Dynamic Duo are back with purpose, vision and relentless tenacity.
Like Batman and Robin fighting crime
Jake and Elwood on a secret mission from God
Equally Jedi Knights and Sith Lords in their heart of hearts
Enki and Enlil – Creators and Destroyers
Yin and Yang – Purveyors of Light and Embracers of Darkness
Ken and Ryu, with a little help from Akuma & Sheng Long
Luke and Vader, with a little help from Yoda & the Emperor
They are here to restore balance to the Force within the video game industry.
Ken "Sushi-X" Williams and Martin "Low-Key" Alessi are here with a
vengeance to free the minds of this generation of players from the
smoke and mirrors of misleading marketing tactics of companies that
over promise and under deliver to the unsuspecting gaming public who
good heartedly forks over their hard earned cash time after time.
Wii've had enough already! Haven't you?
Wii60, an underground movement birthed by the most noble of players
during the E3 2006 conference is the unadulterated voice of truth in
this generation of gaming. These men of valor are some of the most
important people in the video game industry and their voice must be
heard, not just from coast to coast, but from pole to pole. The entire
world needs to hear what they have to say. Check out this true band of
Jedi Knights at http://www.wii60.com to see what Wii're talking about.
You are treasures, boyz!
Players around the world are fed up with Sony, it is no secret.
Just Google them and see for yourself.
Many have already cleverly renamed the PS3 the "PayStation" as they
are shocked and offended by the $600 price tag on a piece of hardware
many trusted industry insiders are calling the "biggest disappointment
in the last 10 years" using an overpriced proprietary media that many
technologists have already labeled the "Betamax of the 21st Century."
Sorry if you're feelin' Blu : (
They have also already dismantled the multi-million dollar marketing
campaign defacing it to say "PAY BEYOND" as they feel Sony is
expecting the average player to pay far beyond what the system is
worth to any sane individual. Power to the people!!! Tell it like it
Sushi-X and Martin "Low-Key" Alessi are here to champion the cause of
the Wii60 movement and thrilled to announce Wii60 Player magazine and
interactive portal at http://www.wii60.tv "Hell hath no fury, like a
This outlet and conduit for the voice of truth will shake the very
foundation of the industry itself. With a bold and thundering
proclamation we will shout "PHUQsonyIN06" and enlighten the players of
this world that the way to spend $600 this year is to purchase an
absolutely, undisputedly REVOLUTIONary Nintendo Wii and the amazingly
solid and polished Microsoft Xbox 360, the ONLY real next-gen systems
to get. With these two consoles in your home, you will be in need of
nothing as far as kick-ass video gaming goes. Wii60 is the Obvious
Choice of this Enlightened Gaming Generation.
Martin has officially stepped down as Editor-In-Chief of Retro Player
passing the Matrix of Power to the amazing and always wonderful, Terry
"Trickman" Minnich. The site and magazine, Retro Player
http://www.retroplayer.tv deals with playing, collecting, and
appraising the games of the 80's and 90's both domestic and imported.
It is now in the hands of one of the most beloved personalities in the
video game business. Check him out at http://www.trickmantimes.com and
revel in his childlike purity.
Martin "Low-Key" Alessi will step up and take the reigns of Wii60
Player dubbed the
"Editor Needs Know Intro" a tribute to the Sumerian deity, Enki, a
personal hero of his.
More about that here http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enki for you to soak
in during your quiet time. Check out Martin at
Ken "Sushi-X" Williams will also join ranks with Martin on Wii60
Player. In the spirit of Enlil and will bring warlike wrath upon all
those who try to prey upon the innocence and purity of the players in
this world. From Zen-like calmness of Sushi-X to the burning fury of
his alter ego "the Evil One" you can be sure that his biting
commentary and endless barrage of no-holds-barred brutally honest
critiques will help reshape gaming and give guidance to players around
the world over the next generation.
Check out Ken at http://www.myspace.com/therealsushix
Also joining us on Wii60 Player is Mr. Dominic Capone III, Al Capone's
great nephew, actor, producer, marketer and entrepreneur and another
true man of honor and NOT afraid to voice his opinion in that loud,
proud and old school Chicago Italian-American fashion.
A special section of the magazine and portal will be called "What
Capone thinks…" and is destined to become a favorite destination for
players everywhere. Think of it as the Review Crew meets Goodfellas
and then Martin chimes in and you have two men who take no prisoners
telling you how it is. FUGGEDABOUTIT SONY!
Alessi and Capone, together at last! Look out! The Italians are taking
over the world again!
Check out Mr. Capone at http://www.myspace.com/capone3 and http://www.capone.tv
Last but certainly not least is Martin's very good friend and angelic
Akira Lane. Akira is a world class supermodel and actress and will be
providing not only her radiant beauty to please the eyes of the
players of this world, but her charm, wit, intelligence and incredibly
sweet sense of humor. Akira is the secret weapon of Wii60 and will
ensure that young men around the world will have only the best of the
best in female talent to sooth their eyes and hearts. Plus most of
these girls kick ass at games!
Wii60 will have some of the most beautiful women in the world gracing
our pages such as Faline Song, Street Fighter III and DOA goddess and
Charisse Kailyn, 8-bit lover and
cute as a Start button.
Check out Akira at Zombo.com and Zombo.com.
Check out Faline at Yourethemannowdog.com
Check out Charisse at Zombo.com
Thanks to all the beautiful and hard working people that make this industry
a pleasure to be a part of and let's FINALLY have some FUN again!!!
The player is the most important person in the video game industry.
Without them, there'd be no industry.
In observance of National Freedom of Speech week Massive Impact would
like to formally announce OPERATION:FREEDOM FIGHTERS and extend
complimentary subscriptions to ALL the men, young and old, in ALL
branches of the U.S. military who love video games, beautiful women,
fast cars, and all that makes it good to be a man in this most blessed
of countries. This one is for you gentlemen, as if it were not for you
putting your lives on the line here and abroad, we would not have
these precious liberties and the freedom to tell it like it is. You
are to be honored and supported with the utmost in respect and
gratitude. Martin Alessi and Massive Impact thanks you all for all
that you do, seen and unseen.
If it wasn't for you I couldn't have written and sent out this press release.
Support Our Troops!!!
This release available in PDF at
Copyright (c)2006 Massive Impact. All Rights Reserved.
Retro Player and the Retro Player logo are registered trademarks of
Sushi-X and the Sushi-X logos are registered trademarks of Massive Impact.
Wii60 and Wii60 Player are registered trademarks of Massive Impact.
PHUQsonyIN06, GETTHEBESTOFBOTHWORLDS, UNOsonyIN06 are trademarks of
Massive Impact. All mentions of 3rd party Intellectual Property in
this release are copyrights of their respective owners and used for
editorial purposes only. All content that could be considered
offensive is for satirical purposes only and protected by the First
Amendment of the Constitution of the United States and further
protected by the laws preserving and protecting free speech including
specific laws protecting satire.
Now that the lawyers are happy, let's have some PHUQin' FUN!!!